Saturday, October 25, 2008
After feeling pain constantly for years, our threshold of pain tends to increase to numb that pain out. But even after finding the reason for that pain, it doesn't ease any of it. It just makes everything resurface and your body's natural reaction still remains between either fight or flight.
I found my pain back recently, and no I'm not talking about the chest pains or any other physical ones. And again, I have to make a choice, face it or run from it. I know I've done the running option before and obviously that wasn't successful, but I'm tired of fighting it. I have to say I'm really desperate to get myself out of this crap to the extent that I'm willing to try that counseling option again even though the last 3 times did not work out. I've tried counselors from school, church and even from the government. Unlike the school one that just kept focusing on why I stole, the counselor at some CC in Yishun did try to help me in my family issues, but the attempts weren't very successful. And don't even get me started on that woman from DEW, she's the only counselor that made me stop sharing even though I wanted to share initially [which is unprecedented in my world].
This whole thing got me thinking, who do I share stuff with? In my family I think there's only my 13 year old brother, outside there's jasmine and maybe james. Even though I'm not friendly with james he's the only guy I wouldn't mind talking to about my problems. Maybe because he's a good listener like me, but sadly he's in indonesia now. Then in church there's charm. Yingmin maybe, but honestly when she starts to share about how she overcomes her problems which I don't see any relevance to mine, my brain starts to shut down and I'll end up stoning in the rest of the conversation. Part of me wanted to say grace, but I realized I don't even see her as a friend within my wall of protection any longer so even if I did share stuff with her it was all in the past.
It's amazing to realize just how unforgiving and petty I am. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a cold and selfish person, and I'm not friendly and I bear grudges subconsciously. I always thought I had forgiven her for saying the things she said, especially since she did explain why she said it. But like I said, I'm selfish. If my subconsciousness can choose to block out my childhood memories so that it'd be easy to hate my father, it's very likely I would choose to keep my distance from you once you've done something to hurt me. It's my uncontrollable need to protect myself.
.lost.`@ 11:32 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
Things doesn't seem to be going as well as I think it all should.
I had a small quarrel with mom last night, just mainly about the same things she always nag at me about. How I keep playing with the notebook, my tone when I talk to her, not clearing up the mess on the table even though its not my trash. But all this just unleashed these feelings that I thought should have disappeared long ago, or at some point in time when I accepted Christ. All this time I thought I was different from the rest of the people in this family but seriously, who am I kidding.
Its like expecting an orange to be found in an apple tree forest. How different can we actually be when we were raised in the same environment? I have to stop lying to myself thinking that everything's ok with me except my relationship with dad because that's not the only thing troubling me my whole life.
I can't communicate with people. Really. I take years to open up to people, friends. Which makes me hate it when jie and mom think that I'm some hypocritical person leading a double life outside the house thinking that I'm really sweet and nice to my friends but not my family. The thing is, I am mean with people. When people like Ashwin call me, my tone and answer would always be, "What do you want?" Like that sounds really lovable. I make fun of people whenever I have something funny but really mean to say. Like how I just said "Were you too busy stuffing yourself with food to even look at the presentation?" to grace. But I'm nice to them also because they have stuck by me throughout the harsh words and the not-opening-up-for-two-years part. Because face it, would you rather be nice to someone who has proven worthy and precious to have as a friend or a sibling who blames you for all their quarrels with our parents and shut doors in your faces? Much less throw stuff at you.
I'm not saying that they are really bad and all, because despite these things she can be nice to me too. Sometimes she won't flare up even though I misplace and use her stuff without permission [well she does that to me pretty often too], share stuff with me although certain things are off limits. [to me she assumes all my stuff are sharable]
They can't expect me to all of the sudden change and become this wonderful popular person everyone loves just because I became a Christian. I realized that it's really gonna take more than 5 years to change the fact that I'm just not good with people [which is something I've gotten really good at for my whole life].
.lost.`@ 11:31 AM
