Saturday, October 25, 2008
After feeling pain constantly for years, our threshold of pain tends to increase to numb that pain out. But even after finding the reason for that pain, it doesn't ease any of it. It just makes everything resurface and your body's natural reaction still remains between either fight or flight.
I found my pain back recently, and no I'm not talking about the chest pains or any other physical ones. And again, I have to make a choice, face it or run from it. I know I've done the running option before and obviously that wasn't successful, but I'm tired of fighting it. I have to say I'm really desperate to get myself out of this crap to the extent that I'm willing to try that counseling option again even though the last 3 times did not work out. I've tried counselors from school, church and even from the government. Unlike the school one that just kept focusing on why I stole, the counselor at some CC in Yishun did try to help me in my family issues, but the attempts weren't very successful. And don't even get me started on that woman from DEW, she's the only counselor that made me stop sharing even though I wanted to share initially [which is unprecedented in my world].
This whole thing got me thinking, who do I share stuff with? In my family I think there's only my 13 year old brother, outside there's jasmine and maybe james. Even though I'm not friendly with james he's the only guy I wouldn't mind talking to about my problems. Maybe because he's a good listener like me, but sadly he's in indonesia now. Then in church there's charm. Yingmin maybe, but honestly when she starts to share about how she overcomes her problems which I don't see any relevance to mine, my brain starts to shut down and I'll end up stoning in the rest of the conversation. Part of me wanted to say grace, but I realized I don't even see her as a friend within my wall of protection any longer so even if I did share stuff with her it was all in the past.
It's amazing to realize just how unforgiving and petty I am. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a cold and selfish person, and I'm not friendly and I bear grudges subconsciously. I always thought I had forgiven her for saying the things she said, especially since she did explain why she said it. But like I said, I'm selfish. If my subconsciousness can choose to block out my childhood memories so that it'd be easy to hate my father, it's very likely I would choose to keep my distance from you once you've done something to hurt me. It's my uncontrollable need to protect myself.
.lost.`@ 11:32 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
Things doesn't seem to be going as well as I think it all should.
I had a small quarrel with mom last night, just mainly about the same things she always nag at me about. How I keep playing with the notebook, my tone when I talk to her, not clearing up the mess on the table even though its not my trash. But all this just unleashed these feelings that I thought should have disappeared long ago, or at some point in time when I accepted Christ. All this time I thought I was different from the rest of the people in this family but seriously, who am I kidding.
Its like expecting an orange to be found in an apple tree forest. How different can we actually be when we were raised in the same environment? I have to stop lying to myself thinking that everything's ok with me except my relationship with dad because that's not the only thing troubling me my whole life.
I can't communicate with people. Really. I take years to open up to people, friends. Which makes me hate it when jie and mom think that I'm some hypocritical person leading a double life outside the house thinking that I'm really sweet and nice to my friends but not my family. The thing is, I am mean with people. When people like Ashwin call me, my tone and answer would always be, "What do you want?" Like that sounds really lovable. I make fun of people whenever I have something funny but really mean to say. Like how I just said "Were you too busy stuffing yourself with food to even look at the presentation?" to grace. But I'm nice to them also because they have stuck by me throughout the harsh words and the not-opening-up-for-two-years part. Because face it, would you rather be nice to someone who has proven worthy and precious to have as a friend or a sibling who blames you for all their quarrels with our parents and shut doors in your faces? Much less throw stuff at you.
I'm not saying that they are really bad and all, because despite these things she can be nice to me too. Sometimes she won't flare up even though I misplace and use her stuff without permission [well she does that to me pretty often too], share stuff with me although certain things are off limits. [to me she assumes all my stuff are sharable]
They can't expect me to all of the sudden change and become this wonderful popular person everyone loves just because I became a Christian. I realized that it's really gonna take more than 5 years to change the fact that I'm just not good with people [which is something I've gotten really good at for my whole life].
.lost.`@ 11:31 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I know I know I haven't been trying hard to keep this blog alive... actually my livejournal also I'm basically too busy mugging for the past semester studying for exams to actually blog. Results are coming out by the end of this month and I'm praying really hard for better results than last semester that was a total wreck.
Anyway the happiest thing that happened last week is that I'm water baptised! Yes it was really scary to have to stand up on stage and tell everyone your testimony when I usually don't even share with my friends, not to mention the whole congregation. I was shivering from nervousness, and the really strong cold air condition but the moment I stepped out the stage things weren't as scary as I thought it would be. I said my piece and went into the pool [with really nice warm water I didn't want to leave] and got dunked by my pastor. Really glad amanda could come [shoulian you abandoned me after promising to come!] and my mom and dion came. the cell was so enthu actually made big signs with our names and shakers! really sweet I love you guys... and I managed to get blue roses from someone special [finally I got my favorite flowers] even though it was mother's day season and even without that it should still be more expensive than normal roses. Thank you peeps!
.lost.`@ 9:37 PM
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I've had a long tired day last night.
After making cookies at ying min's place I asked James if he wanted to taste it since he's now working towards being a chef and all and we talk about cooking and stuff together. Then I did my homework until about 1 plus in the morning and I went off to sleep. Apparently, 15mins after I dozed off, Kenny called using James' phone. I told them I needed to sleep and I couldn't go out now but they insisted on coming over to Bishan just to get the cookies. So I thought ok, we'll just meet downstairs, talk at the void deck for a while then I can go back to bed.
So I told my sister that I'll be downstairs for a while and it wouldn't take long. She insisted on latching the door when she's done but I finally persuaded her not to.
Then James drove over in this really nice car [but that's beside to point] to my place and I got in. But then they changed their mind and decided to go to the nearby 24hr Macs at J8. So we drove there, only to realize that the 24hr Macs near the interchange was closed down long ago and its now a 24hr foodcourt. So we sat there and they ordered some food and we chatted for a while.
That's when the death call came. My sister called asking me to get back home now but we couldn't leave right away. So she scolded me saying how I've made her wait for me like an idiot [when I didn't ask her to wait. I just told her not to latch the door] and that I'm a liar cos I said I'll only be downstairs [which wasn't my fault it was theirs] and that she has latched the door anyway and gone off to bed. Well, Kenny and James didn't believe that she was seriously going to do that but we hurried anyway and went back. They waited downstairs to make sure that I could get in but apparently my sister wasn't kidding. She locked the door. I called everyone I could call in my house except my parents of course but no one picked up. It was already 3 plus.
So I went back down to meet them and they were apologizing for what happened. Even James' mom who heard about what happened scolded him for doing this to me. He suggested going somewhere else since I had to wait for my maid to wake up at 6. But I decided to just go to the playground nearby to wait. So he parked his car, tore his parking coupon and we walked over. Just then, my sister smsed me saying that she unlatched the door already. So luckily I didn't heed James' suggestion or else I would have really incurred the wrath of my sister. So before 4am, I managed to slip back home without my parents' knowing.
My sister asked me if I went anywhere else and when I told her I just went J8 and downstairs, she said softly in chinese 'not fun one.' My brain stoned at that moment. FUN? So you purposely did that just to see if I would run off with 2 guy frens and stay at their house or do something stupid? I was so pissed off at that woman. I seriously felt like telling her do that next time or complain to my parents and I'll tell them and your boyfriend about your lesbian relationship you once had you little bitch.
But just like I always do, I kept quiet. I'm really sick of her flaring up at me for nothing. Even earlier at dinner she would always drag me down when my parents scold her. Her most often use of rebuttal is 'Why you never scold simone when she do this? why only scold me?' She so doesn't have the right to scold me. Even if I go out late in the night. She goes clubbing all the time. She doesn't even bother to come home most of the times although my mom would leave the door unlatched for her. Maybe I'll show her what its like when she's out at night next time.
.lost.`@ 8:08 PM
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
i must make an effort to keep this blog alive!!!
ok just recently i have discovered a whole different side of me i never knew.
Thanks to chong shoulian who just revealed to me how i used to terrorised her back in primary 3, of which i have absolutely NO recollection of.
apparently she claims that i used to bully her in art classes with this other fren michelle lai (i can't even remember how she looks like). on fridays during art class, i would go over to her desk, comment on her masterpiece, then borrow her crayons. thats the only time i'll be nice to her. on usual days, i would be all "eww, get away from me." to her.
that day i promised her i would be really nice to her to make up for my past behaviour. but going to be really hard, how can i change our way of "communicating" from insults and sarcarstic remarks to all nice and gentle words?
the solution? just
get over it shoulian. its been like what? 10 years! and stop using this incident against me every time i say something mean. i'm gonna be immune to it soon.
besides, i know you're used to me this way... i bet you can't stand me being nice. so don't expect too much the next time you see me. this sun right?
.lost.`@ 7:16 AM
Saturday, October 07, 2006
i'm dehydrated.
this has been a really bad week.
having breakdowns everyday.
I'm seriously stressed out. not just becos of studying of course.
got a lecture all of the sudden from my mom today. thats why i don't like telling her personal stuff. she'll always use it against me someday. she had to bring up that subject that ended last year to demean me.
wanted to sign up for water baptism with charm... but deadline's tomorrow and i don't know if i'm ready. so just leaving it to God. now i'm the only one let not baptised i think in sc cell.
i realised its so hard to find a place to cry. cos i share a room with my sister so at times when i cry as i ponder over stuff at night, i have to make sure i don't make a sound. that seems to bottle up my emotions more than i'm suppose to let out.
i want to go to a park at night. let it all out. i want to scream at someone. flare my anger.
oh crap.
.lost.`@ 9:32 AM
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
i've been such a clumsy ox today.
jasmine, amanda, shoulian, charm and i went to my house to cook a 9-course lunch which apparently started at 4:30pm. and the food didn't turn out as nice as we thought they would.
after that for the first time, i lost my contact lens in my eye but luckily i found it pretty quickly.
then we went j8 to buy some shirts and while shopping at esprit, i dropped my coffee bean drink and it spilled onto their clothes! thank God they didn't ask me to buy them or else i'll be broke. but we spent 1/2 hour cleaning up and i left my number with them to pay for the dry-cleaning. would feel really bad if i just walked off.
oh yes, i saw the piggy soft toy in the kim sam soon show!!! so cute would love to own one. *hint hint*
note to self: never do cooking again and never carry drinks while shopping.
oh no. starting to have a stomach ache. i think it's the food.
anyway going malaysia KL to shop!! be back on sunday. so it seems like i won't be studying for this week. must mug when i return.
.lost.`@ 8:24 AM
