Saturday, October 25, 2008
After feeling pain constantly for years, our threshold of pain tends to increase to numb that pain out. But even after finding the reason for that pain, it doesn't ease any of it. It just makes everything resurface and your body's natural reaction still remains between either fight or flight.
I found my pain back recently, and no I'm not talking about the chest pains or any other physical ones. And again, I have to make a choice, face it or run from it. I know I've done the running option before and obviously that wasn't successful, but I'm tired of fighting it. I have to say I'm really desperate to get myself out of this crap to the extent that I'm willing to try that counseling option again even though the last 3 times did not work out. I've tried counselors from school, church and even from the government. Unlike the school one that just kept focusing on why I stole, the counselor at some CC in Yishun did try to help me in my family issues, but the attempts weren't very successful. And don't even get me started on that woman from DEW, she's the only counselor that made me stop sharing even though I wanted to share initially [which is unprecedented in my world].
This whole thing got me thinking, who do I share stuff with? In my family I think there's only my 13 year old brother, outside there's jasmine and maybe james. Even though I'm not friendly with james he's the only guy I wouldn't mind talking to about my problems. Maybe because he's a good listener like me, but sadly he's in indonesia now. Then in church there's charm. Yingmin maybe, but honestly when she starts to share about how she overcomes her problems which I don't see any relevance to mine, my brain starts to shut down and I'll end up stoning in the rest of the conversation. Part of me wanted to say grace, but I realized I don't even see her as a friend within my wall of protection any longer so even if I did share stuff with her it was all in the past.
It's amazing to realize just how unforgiving and petty I am. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a cold and selfish person, and I'm not friendly and I bear grudges subconsciously. I always thought I had forgiven her for saying the things she said, especially since she did explain why she said it. But like I said, I'm selfish. If my subconsciousness can choose to block out my childhood memories so that it'd be easy to hate my father, it's very likely I would choose to keep my distance from you once you've done something to hurt me. It's my uncontrollable need to protect myself.
.lost.`@ 11:32 AM
